The Menoportal

The Unexpected Gifts of the Menopause and Beyond.

I wrote this piece towards the end of 2023 for

The Hyphen by Emma Gannon

. I thought I would share it here for all my subscribers as I know it’s a subject that touches so many. It’s also my small way of saying thank you for being here. It’s hard to tempt people away from the easy Instagram scroll, and I’m deeply grateful and touched that you have taken the time to subscribe and read my words. This one’s for you.

The Menoportal

In the dictionary, a portal is defined as: “a doorway, gate, or other entrance, especially a large and imposing one.” I believe the menopause is a form of a portal — so I guess you could call it a ‘menoportal’, because it’s a fiery, sweaty, rage filled entry point to our own freedom. There are many portals we must crawl through in life (always on our knees) and the menoportal I believe, is one of the most transformational. If we can allow it to work its magic upon us, we will eventually come out the other side as the person we were always meant to be.

According to the World Health Organisation, there are currently estimated to be 13 million women in the UK who identify as perimenopausal or menopausal. The menopause itself essentially marks the end of a woman’s reproductive years. The average age for going into the menopause is apparently between 45-55 years old (though of course many women experience it much earlier.) It is defined as the menopause when a woman’s oestrogen levels significantly decline and has not had a period for 12 consecutive months. The perimenopause refers to the phase prior to this when a woman’s periods begin to become irregular. So, the whole process and its impact can go on for many years. I’m 10 years and counting.

The flame thrower

At the height of my menopausal symptoms I was having between 30-40 hot flushes a day/night. Sweaty doesn’t even cover it. If I could have wandered around naked everywhere (without getting arrested), and with a huge fan strapped to my nethers, I would have done so. I was too damn hot to care. But as I paid closer attention to these hot flushes, I noticed that the heat would sometimes fire up inside me when I was being dishonest or untrue to myself in some way.

For example, if I started to try and ‘people please’ (an approach that women are so well trained in), by saying yes to a party invitation, when really I would rather eat my own toes, my body would blast me with heat, like a flame fuelled internal lie detector. “LIAR!” The flame thrower would yell inside me. And so, as I started to tell the truth more, “no thanks I don’t enjoy big gatherings’, my temperature began to settle. I had finally run out of my ‘please love me, I’ll do anything to belong’ tokens, and I wasn’t interested in buying anymore. I simply started speaking and living my truth.

Visible in a different way

In my youth and well into my early 40s I would often be described as ‘attractive’. I definitely had several decades of attracting the male gaze, but then as the menopause arrived and my hormones began to leave, I noticed a kind of invisibility cloak descend upon me. I can remember how I used to be guaranteed to be let out of any junction in my car, by the first male driver that came along. Then suddenly I was sitting at that junction for yonks and no bugger would let me out. In fact, many of them didn’t even seem to notice me.

My ego of course struggled with this. The loss of external validation and approval. My need to be seen and viewed as ‘sexy’. But the funny thing is that over time as I became more invisible to others (men), I became more visible to myself. All that energy that had been so male focused was now energy I could use for myself. It’s the same with my sex drive (and I know this is different for everyone) but as I had a reduced need for sex in my life, I found an increased passion for Life itself. 

Grabbing your essentials

It’s such a liminal space, this period of time travelling slowly through this menoportal on your knees. Like you’re in between two worlds. Your old life is dying and your new one is yet to be born. Naturally this comes with a lot of grief. We might for example be grieving the loss of our youth or full health, children and/or partners leaving or jobs changing.

There’s just so much to let go of as you crawl through this tight squeeze of a portal. (There’s deliberately only room in there for the absolute essentials to accompany you, by the way). My essentials included: close friends and family, time in solitude, books, cakes and my spiritual practice. Outgrown relationships, people pleasing patterns, lies and unnecessary ‘stuff’ were abruptly left behind.

Whilst travelling through the portal, we also start to face the realities of our own ageing, death and dying. Our bodily changes are a form of death preparation really. A teaching about the inner and outer seasons of life. That all things must change and grow and fall and deepen. Let go. That everything is temporary…. and yet eternal.

Death, rebirth and solitude

Facing this layer of ‘death’ of our old life and the realities of our physical form ageing and ‘dying’, can lead us to truly living every day with deep heartfelt gratitude, taking nothing for granted. We are dying into Life.

As we make our way out the other side of the portal, we immediately know we must head into nature, even more than before we entered it. Our need to connect with our roots, the earth and our ancestors becomes a very strong calling. For me I have found that periods of solitude in nature are now like oxygen to me. Before the menopause, they felt like a ‘nice’ optional extra and now if I don’t access nature regularly, I feel myself begin to wither and fade. I believe we all have a particular element of nature that calls to us – be that forests/oceans/mountains or desert. And for our Soul to settle we must go there often. It is our Soul’s home and the menopause reminds us of this. That we must move towards the elements to which we belong.

Broken open

Over time our internal heat finally begins to settle into a deep glowing inner warmth. We will discover that our anger and rage has been transmuted into passion and possibility. Our heart has been broken wide open and our wounds have been transformed into wisdom. It is at this point we slowly begin to get up from our knees and recognise that the initiation of the menoportal is complete. A form of rebirth has taken place and we find that we have never felt more ourselves. For me, I noticed these changes emerged slowly over time. Less need to please, more passionate, less angry, more open, less defensive. More ease in my looser skin. A twinkle in my eyes. I felt Soul-Full.

At this point of leaving the menoportal with our head’s high, hearts open and a new found clarity and vision, we, the ‘elders in training’, walk on. 

Deeper

As my eyes weaken, my vision expands, way beyond the egos limited comprehension. Finally I can truly see.

As my hearing declines, (‘what did they say?!’), my capacity to listen to the small voice within, gets louder and clearer. 

As my memory fades and I forget details of the mundane - names, numbers, stories, faces and where I left my bloody glasses, I am freed up to remember a deeper Truth. The story beyond the story. 

As my throat opens I find words of truth that I swallowed long ago, like so many women, and now they tumble out of me…

‘No I don’t want to do that….yes I am angry…..no I won’t be quiet…and yes I will have two’.

I refuse to be afraid or to play small, nice and good another single day. I am clumsily and beautifully my true self. 

As I recognise that I might never meet ‘the one’, I remember that I already have. She’s been with me all along whilst I was busy looking over there. I commit to her as the true Love of my life and quietly whisper ‘I do.’ I choose you. 

Everything changes from here…..

As my heart breaks once again, it opens even wider than before. Divine Love flows through me and heals with its Midas touch of kindness and compassion. 

And as my boobs droop, my Soul rises. I’ve had my turn for perky tits. How I loved those fun bags, but now it’s someone else’s turn to enjoy those shallows waters. 

I’m heading somewhere far deeper. 

I’m diving for pearls.

#wordsbydonnalancaster

@donnalancs

www.deepeningintolife.com