The Energetic Divorce
Are you living a version of your parent's marriage, or have you created your very own...?
PART 1 - this piece started to get so long that I decided to divide it into two parts. Part 2 coming soon…..
During my twenty plus years of working with couples, I am always curious about the decisions people make (often without reflection), within a long term relationship/marriage. Here’s some examples of questions I might ask couples when they come to work with me -
Why did you/do you want to get married?
What does marriage mean to you and how will you honour the vows you take?
Will you live together/share a bed and why?
Will you take your partners surname/wear a ring, and if so, why?
How will you divide up the day to day chores fairly? Who will do what?
How will you address, process and resolve conflict when it arises?
If you want to have a child together, why? Who will be the primary carer and why?
What are your views and beliefs about parenting/raising a child, and what will be your respective roles as co-parents?
How will you ensure you both have space to breathe within the relationship and how will you champion and support each other’s interests and passions?
How will you commit to healing your past wounds, both individually and together? How will you ensure you live a different life and marriage, than that of your (grand)parents?
As you can see there are a whole lot of questions I ask (nosey)! I am often shocked to discover that many couples have never really considered most of these questions. ‘…errr, just because….’
Lots of couples will spend many months, even years focusing on the preparation for their wedding day, and yet give very little consideration to their actual marriage. The Elder, Stephen Jenkinson, talks about how most weddings spend just half an hour on the actual vows and ceremony of marriage, with numerous more hours spent on celebrating it. When you think about that, it’s quite revealing about our priorities. Pleasure over commitment? Shallows over depth perhaps?
Now, let me be clear, I’m no killjoy. I love a bit of romance and a good old knees up (!), but I do believe that if people are committing to each other (in theory) for life (..until death do us part…), that they might want to invest a bit more time and energy in exploring what it actually means to be and stay married, and how to truly commit to another person…’for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer…’.
So many couples seem to blindly follow tradition, not realising that marriage, like all institutions, needs to adapt, grow and evolve, as society and culture changes. Most of our (grand)parents for example, would stick at (endure) their marriage, even if it was an absolute nightmare. “We made our vows….OR..we’re staying together for the sake of the kids…”. (Don’t even get me started on that last one!) Many women had limited options too in those days, partly due to their financial status and capacity to earn their own money. Nowadays, I believe it’s about 42% of first marriages that end in divorce, with most divorces being initiated by women.
So, perhaps it really is worth considering the question of why this might be?
