Family Secrets
The intergenerational impact of secrets and lies
My father and his siblings grew up in a very religious household in South Africa, with his parents who were devout Christians. I don’t know much about how that was for him, except I know there were a lot of strict rules, high expectations and even higher standards to (fail to) live up to. Let’s just say that my paternal grandmother was definitely the matriarch of that family, with my grandfather appearing to be a gentle man who simply wanted a quiet life. (Good luck with that Pops). I only met my paternal grandmother once, and I truly mean no disrespect when I say that she had a ‘pinched’ look and way about her. Almost like she expected everyone and everything except God to disappoint her, and no doubt they did, being human and all. No wonder my Dad scarpered as soon as he could, jumping on a boat sharpish as soon as he turned eighteen, to hotfoot it to the UK.
Anyhow I digress, but I hope I’ve set the scene enough so that you can fully appreciate the pure horror and impending shame that my grandmother must have felt, when her 15 year old daughter came home from school and announced that she was pregnant! Yikes. My Grandmother’s knees must have been blistered and bleeding from all the praying she had to do at the time. “Dear God, PLEASE don’t let it be true”.
And yet it was.
However, my grandparents refused to accept this cold hard truth. It did not have a place at their table. Sadly, this was perhaps the last remnant of truth shared within the family from that generation, for decades thereafter. Like many religious families, especially of the time, (1940’s). my grandparents could not deal with the shame of having a pregnant daughter giving birth under age, and out of wedlock. Sin upon sin upon sin. So instead they did what they had to do….