Dark Winged Angels

The Other Kind of Angel

Photo by Perpetual Image via Pexels

Some people (including Abba), believe in angels and who are we to judge?

Apparently angels are Spiritual beings,sometimes arriving in human form, (wings optional), sent to guide and protect us mere mortals. Think Clarence in ‘It’s a wonderful life’. At other times angels might arrive in animal form. How many of us know a dog/cat/horse that saved our life? Think of Tony and Brandy in the tv series, Afterlife. My beloved dog Jasper was undoubtedly an angel for me. When I first rescued him as a puppy, from being locked up in a cage for 12 plus hours a day, I had no idea that it would be Jasper who was really rescuing me. It’s hard to put into words what he gave me, but he was never ‘just a dog’ and if you know, you know.

Regardless of any ego judgements some might have about the idea of angels existing, how wonderful is this even as a possibility? To believe that we might be sent angels of light and love, to watch over us, protecting and guiding us in navigating life’s choppy waters. Such a beautiful gift of Hope. 

However, I’m also interested in another kind of angel. The ones that arrive with dark wings. The people who show up in our lives, and instead of being an obvious force for good, treat us meanly, hurt and betray us. They come to disrupt or even blow up our lives and they might challenge or leave us, in order to help us awaken, deepen, change and grow, on a Soul level. These kind of dark winged angels push our face into the dirt, forcing us to eventually find our boundaries and self respect whilst we are down there. 

In my own life I had a five year relationship with just such an angel in my 20’s. A man who was so cruel, violent and abusive to me that he almost broke my Spirit. He dragged me down into the gutter and tried to rob me of any crumbs of self worth I had left in me. And to be honest, he did a really good job. His wings weren’t just dark, they were filthy, and my oh my how that Hells Angel woke me up. Ouch. It was an extremely painful and devastating period of my life. During therapy I was clearly able to see the similarities between this man and my father - both addicts, violent, charismatic, abusive, controlling, narcissistic and very smart and funny. It took a while longer though for me to view this man as a force for good in my life.

Now of course I am not suggesting that his behaviour towards me was acceptable or to be excused. Nor am I trying to paint a ‘Polyanna’ picture of this time in my life. I’m simply saying that for me, I came to see the many turd bowed gifts he offered me, just like my father before him. I came to understand what a pivotal role this man played in my life at that time and beyond.

It brings to mind this piece below which turns the notion of us slaying our dragons along The Hero's Journey on its head. Instead of this idea that each of us will be called to fight and overcome the necessary ‘dragons,’ along our path to awakening, this piece speaks of a much deeper truth. That the dragons (aka dark winged angels), must in fact slay us. Yes, we need to be broken open by the darkest of our experiences. That instead of ‘winning’, we need to fail and fall and lose, to become who we were always meant to be. Our true self.

“Leonard Cohen said his teacher once told him that the older you get the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need. This is because, as we go through life, we tend to over-identify with being the hero of our stories.

This hero isn’t exactly having fun: he’s getting kicked around, humiliated, and disgraced. But if we can let go of identifying with him, we can find our rightful place in the universe, and a love more satisfying than any we’ve ever known.

People constantly throw around the term ‘Hero’s Journey’ without having any idea what it really means. Everyone from CEOs to wellness-influencers thinks the Hero’s Journey means facing your fears, slaying a dragon, and gaining 25k followers on Instagram. But that’s not the real hero’s journey.

In the real hero’s journey, the dragon slays YOU. Much to your surprise, you couldn’t make that marriage work. Much to your surprise, you turned forty with no kids, no house, and no prospects. Much to your surprise, the world didn’t want the gifts you proudly offered it.

If you are foolish, this is where you will abort the journey and start another, and another, abusing your heart over and over for the brief illusion of winning.

But if you are wise, you will let yourself be shattered, and return to the village, humbled, but with a newfound sense that you don’t have to identify with the part of you that needs to win, needs to be recognized, needs to know. This is where your transcendent life begins.

So embrace humility in everything. Life isn’t out to get you, nor are your struggles your fault.

Every defeat is just an angel, tugging at your sleeve, telling you that you don’t have to keep banging your head against the wall. Leave that striver there, trapped in his lonely ambitions. Just walk away, and life in its vastness will embrace you.”  – Paul Weinfield

Photo by Vignesh Kumar R B on Unsplash

Looking back, I can clearly see now how this man/angel/dragon, served and guided me at that point in my life. In many ways you could even say he saved me. Through this extended and deeply painful encounter, I was forced to face my own demons, and to be slayed by them, in order that I would finally stop running and start healing. Through him silencing me, I eventually found my own voice. Through his desire to crush me, I found my Spirit was stronger than his fist. As a result of my time with this dark winged angel, I learned about humility, self respect, resilience, kindness, and how true Love never ever hurts. 

And when his work was complete, when he had finally pushed me hard enough to wake up, this dark winged angel was gone. Just like that. I awoke one day in my new vulnerable, tender-hearted life, with only a black feather left behind on the pillow beside me. 

And then from this humbled place, I offered him my heartfelt gratitude, and slowly but surely began again. 

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Hidden Wings

There they are….

….hidden in plain sight, beneath the folds of skin on my dog Jasper’s back, as he faithfully accompanied me through life.

They are clearly visible on the woman who cleans the public toilets, the subtle feathery movements underneath her shirt as she smiles and bends to scrub the bowl.

As a small child when I lay in bed too afraid to sleep, an angel would visit me and use her wings to stroke my hair. She even told me her name. Corinne.

The ‘stranger’ who sat next to me on the bench as I contemplated suicide as a young desperate sleep deprived mother. ‘It’s tough’ she said, ‘but it gets better, I promise’. And as her invisible wings unfurled around my weeping shoulders, I believed her.

I heard hidden wings gently flapping as the hospice nurse administered morphine to my dying mother.

When alone and really sick with covid, I felt the presence of something ‘bigger than us’ sit down next to me on my bed, and I just knew that my hand was being held. I felt the warmth of Divine Love revive me.

And let’s never forget the kiss of all kisses from an angel called David. He really did give me the Kiss of Life. He Loved me back to the land of the living you see…and he still does Love me, even after all these years. Miracles.

So yes it’s true, I do believe in angels. How about you?