Better Out Than In
Tough Lessons learned From Being An Energy Sponge.
From a very young age, starting as small children, we women are taught how to absorb. We are quickly initiated, (often by our mothers, who were initiated by theirs), in the art of absorption. How to take on other’s words, feelings, opinions, and reactions and learn to carry them inside, even though they do not belong to us. We were often shown very clearly as little girls when to speak and when to remain quiet. How to absorb. To energetically read a room, and then adapt our behaviours according to that reading. ‘Ok, mum’s upset and dad’s angry so I need to be in the silent good girl role right now’.
Parents who have not done their own healing/trauma work may unconsciously ask their children to carry some of their pain and unresolved grief if their load feels too heavy to bear. A common loyalty for children with their parents is to try and carry their pain for them. ‘Oh mummy I can see you’re sad, let me help you with that. I will take away your sadness (fear/loneliness/depression/rage) and carry it for you.’
I can remember the first time I tried to carry my mother’s pain. I was 5 years old. I’d like to say it was through a desire to reduce her suffering, but in reality, it was a desperate child’s need not to be left with her violent alcoholic father. There was a lot of shouting, violence and blood involved in this particular incident. I remember sitting next to my distressed bleeding mother on the floor, and felt my little body becoming hot with energy (and fear). I soaked up some of her pain right there and then, and began to carry it for her, like I used to carry her shopping bags home from the supermarket. I added to those bags, soaking up more of her pain every opportunity that I could. As you can imagine (or have lived), it became a very heavy load for a little girl to carry.