Better Boundaries

How to Become a Boundary Ninja

This is a piece I wrote last year which some of you may have read previously in my old newsletter. However, there are lots of new people on here, (welcome!) that might not have read it, and for those of you that have, it’s always good to have a refresh. Boundaries are a subject many of us can struggle with, so I hope you find this piece helpful. This newsletter is offered for all subscribers and is free to read, so feel free to share far and wide. For paid subscribers, you will receive your next newsletter as usual next weekend, which is all about exploring the deeper layers and impact of trauma and dissociation, and the courage it takes to heal and ‘come down from the ceiling’.

Personal Boundaries - What are they? 

Personal boundaries are something that many of us struggle with. Like many aspects of who we are and how we live, personal boundaries are established early in life, with the foundations being laid in childhood. How our parents did or didn’t do boundaries will inevitably impact our own capacity for healthy or unhealthy boundary setting. Either holding our boundaries so tightly that we turn them into barriers, becoming completely rigid and inflexible, or having very little sense of boundaries and therefore allowing others to take control, leaving us often feeling invaded and then resentful.

Boundaries essentially relate to our personal needs, values and limits. Most of us are not clear about what our needs and values are so therefore it would make sense that we struggle to communicate these to other people. A starting point for healthy boundaries is to explore what we need and what feels important to us so that we can begin to live more in alignment with our own needs, values and wishes. 

As human beings we all share some basic universal needs which include the need to be safe/included/respected/to belong/to be loved/to be listened to and understood. Our values might include honesty/integrity/kindness/compassionate and peace. So a good starting point is to grab a pen and paper and make a note of what you feel you need and what is important to you. 

The limits part of boundaries let others know what is ok and not ok for us in terms of our needs and values. This includes us assertively stating and upholding our boundaries when people cross them, which of course is not always easy. Like most things in life, healthy boundaries take practice. 

Healthy boundaries, BARRIERS and boundary-less

Healthy boundaries create a symbolic fence around us to highlight and protect us. The wonderful thing about a fence/boundary is that it also has a gate in it. So we can choose who we invite in (or escort out!) of our personal space. It also means sometimes we can simply shut the gate with a very clear NO. When our boundaries are healthy we feel empowered and connected. We say what we mean and mean what we say. We can trust in ourselves and not be afraid to take up space. Life is about the yes and the no. 

BARRIERS - a barrier is less like a fence and more like a brick wall! No gate, windows or doors. The sledgehammer effect. Uses their NO like a weapon. The barriered approach uses power to block connection and can be oblivious to others needs. Nothing gets in or out when you have a brick wall protecting you. It can certainly feel safe in there but then so does a prison. It also leaves us feeling very dark and lonely. Nothing much flows in or out. Very few yes’s to life and opportunities. 

Boundary-less - for this approach there’s no fence/ no brick wall, no gate, no protection. So others often invade their personal space and take advantage (‘I don’t see a gate!)This type often says yes to others needs above their own. They can do this through agreeing, acquiescing and giving their power away. ‘Needless’. ‘Whatever you want is fine by me’. This can leave them feeling less than and it breeds resentment.

To establish healthy boundaries if these were not modelled to you in childhood of course takes courage, vulnerability as well as practice. It’s like a muscle that needs strengthening choice by choice, day by day. As we do this we come to know and trust ourselves more and can stand up for ourselves, meet our own needs as well as others, and honour our own limits. In turn the more we do this, the more we naturally enhance our feelings of self worth and inner resilience. 

It’s also not possible to move from boundary less to healthy boundaries overnight or from barriered to boundaried. It is a process. When we first start flexing our boundaries muscle, it often feels terrifying but with time and practice it becomes more neutral and natural, until eventually we feel truly empowered by them. 

Setting Boundaries - the 3 stages: 

Stage 1) Terrifying  - it feels alien and you are breaking free of co dependent behaviours and learning how to risk others feeling disappointed and even being disliked and rejected.

Stage 2) Neutral - becomes a more natural way of being and like most things in life gets easier the more you practice it. Boundaried people attract boundaried people. 

Stage 3) Empowering - taking power back and speaking truth. New behaviours. Positive risks. Growing into the truth of who you are. Living in a way that honours your own limits and is in alignment with your own needs and values.

Boundaries are also about truth. Knowing, speaking and living our truth. Not always easy and can upset a few (unboundaried) people along the way. Ultimately personal boundaries are an essential part of living authentically and honouring our worth. 

To become a boundary ninja is not to become selfish and self absorbed. Sometimes we all need to do things that we don’t want to. Like going to a family party even though we’d rather stab ourselves in the eyes. But instead of going as a victim (they made meeeeee), we choose to go as it feels like the right thing to do but hold our own boundaries by perhaps limiting how long we stay and what we are willing to talk about or not. 

Clear Communication - Boundaries are essentially about clear communication, with both our words and our non verbal cues and body language. Boundary ninjas have an open and upright body posture and are willing to take up space. Even quietly. They use statements like …..

• No thank you

• That doesn’t work for me

• Let me think about that and get back to you

• When you raise your voice like that, I stop listening 

• I definitely don’t want to do that

• I haven’t finished speaking, please let me finish

• That simply doesn’t feel right for me

• If you continue to behave that way I will leave

• I understand you’re upset but it’s not ok for you to speak to me that way

• I'm not ready to share that with you yet

• I’ll let you know

• I need some time by myself

• I don’t know the answer to that question

• You’re standing too close to me, I’ll need you to step back

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  Main Points Recap

1.     Boundaries and barriers are two very different things. One connects, the other distances and disconnects 

2.     Boundaries are expressed through clear communication and body language. Speaking truth. Learning how to say what we mean and mean what we say. 

3.     Boundaries help build self worth and belief because the more we speak truth rather than live lies, we become someone we know and can trust.

4.     Boundaries involve courage and vulnerability, they take practice and like any muscle, they get stronger with practice. 

5.     Unboundaried people might not like it when you become a boundary ninja but that’s ok. You are no longer attached to everyone liking you.

“Don’t be surprised if you’re met with judgement and blame, when holding your boundaries with people that have none.’

Donna Lancaster

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The Bridge Book

If you wish to learn more about the subject of boundaries and how to communicate in clear and healthy ways, then I recommend. checking out my book The Bridge. It will be released in paperback on July 4th and is published by Penguin Life. It is also available to listen to on Audible. You can pre order here The Bridge book

I SAID NO

This morning I said No when I meant No,
In honour of – and because of – all the times
I have said Yes instead.

Did it feel empowering?
No, it did not.
It felt frightening,
Like risking it all.
It felt like finally saying the thing
That will make you not love me.

And it felt lonely and cold
And I tried to suck it back in,
Rewind the tape player,
Kill the sound of the word
With a knife.

Or paint over it with pastel colours
And make you a cup of tea –
Distract you from
What I just showed you
When no other word would come.

But she stayed there,
Defiant,
Finally freed from the
Prison made of
Pretty, acceptable,
Please-love-me
Yeses.

And I do not know what she will do next,
This bright, emboldened No.

She seems to like it here,
Out in the wild.
So I am clearing out a room
Full of things I thought I needed,
So that she can stay. 

Hollie Holden

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And Finally….

This will be a gathering of like hearted souls who wish to connect with, and live through the heart. To remember your hearts deep wisdom and to let it guide you to a higher Love. Moving your body, opening your eyes, softening your edges, expanding your hearts capacity to dare to Love once more.

Even though…..

If you believe in the power of the heart to change, transform and heal the world, then this workshop is for you.

Sunday 17th November, in West Sussex (45 mins from central London on the train).

All details and to book via the website A Higher Love

We can’t wait to see you there. 🫶🏾🌻🙏🏾

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