Wounds that broke me (open)

At almost 60 years old there are way too many wounds to mention, but here are a significant few that, when grieved, became precious gifts.

Childhood - my experience even in the womb was one of not being welcome. I was the third ‘mistake’ child. An unwanted extra. My childhood was one of magic and fairies and trees and angels, and…..(I could go on). It also included violence, addiction, loneliness, racism, fear, lack of safety and trauma. I was offered (chose?) a whole buffet of turd -bowed gifts that I needed to unwrap slowly. Painful and yet necessary somehow. Loss was the initiation and grieving the portal.

Parenthood - I became a mother at 18 years and again at 22 (at both ages, I was still 5 inside). Unsurprisingly both were traumatic births. Difficult beginnings for us all. I did my very best in their younger years, with the very little I had to give, but it definitely was not enough. Becoming a mother forced me to heal, to grow and ultimately do better. To rise up….and so I did.

Breakdown/through - or a ‘Divine intervention’ as I like to call it. A complete breakdown at 30 years old forcing the Warrior woman to stop and lay down her arms. To surrender. I was forced to my knees by Life, and it was down there in the dirt of Humility Street, that I discovered the gifts. I died into Life. My book The Bridge is all about this and my journey back.

Mum’s death - another profound loss which gave me back my whole heart. Perhaps my mother's parting gift? I had been operating from the neck up and her terminal diagnosis and subsequent death ensured I travelled deep down into my heart. A sacred pilgrimage.

Some of the people that saved me

There are far too many people to name here and in truth many whose names I don’t even know. Angels the lot of them (including the dark-winged kind.) Here’s a few of the most significant peeps….

My favourite sister Corinne - I would need to write a whole book to explain the many ways my sister has saved me over the years. From protecting me from my violent father, to looking after me when she was no more than a child herself, and for believing in me before I believed in myself. I struck gold when the ‘sister selection’ meeting was held. I would choose her a thousand times over…and no doubt already have.

My eldest daughter Gemma - a gift of Grace without a doubt. Again another book would be needed here, but Gemma taught me about love and responsibility. Learning to become her mother, forced me to become a better person. Taking care of her along with her sister, also saved me from the very real and dark temptations of drugs.

An Angel - the unknown woman who sat beside me on the park bench, when I was a young desperate mother of 2 kids, contemplating suicide. ‘They’ll be better off without me’, (no they won’t). She reassured me that things would get better. Amazingly these words and her kindness, enabled me to go on. She disappeared as quickly as she arrived. Angels can do that.

My first therapist - her name was Jacqui. She taught me about the healing power of ‘holding space’ and unconditional positive regard. She let me weep without words getting in the way. I had waited 15 years for those tears. Liquid Love. She was the beginning of my healing, and she helped me believe that it was possible to live without hurting all the time. Thank you Jacqui.

My best friend Gabi - another Angel but this one dressed in very glamorous clothes. Not enough words to explain how Gabi has saved me. She has taught me so many things including how you can rupture and repair in relationships. That you don’t have to run away every time someone hurts you. There are other possibilities. This Angel woman has Loved me back to Life.

Some books that helped me

Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton - my very first book of escape into magical lands and of course involving trees.
Something More by Sarah ban Breathnach - my first proper self development book, working on healing and (re)discovering the authentic self.
Falling Upwards by Richard Rohr - how I love this book and its teachings. Such profound Elder wisdom.
Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle - an oldie but goodie. I still revist this book every few years to refresh. Such simple and yet profound teachings. A must read.

Some practices that deepened me

Non-religious prayer - one of the most significant practices that allows me to communicate with the Divine. I began praying imperfectly when my mum was dying and have continued ever since. I pray multiple times a day, starting and ending in my bed. I will often pray on the loo too or in a supermarket queue or traffic jam, (the Big D doesn’t seem to mind) The benefits to my life are immeasurable.

Dates with Wonder - Spending conscious time in nature alone, cultivating awe and wonder. Looking closely at the minute details of everything I see. Listening, smelling and touching too. Looking up at the vast expanse and feeling how small and (in)significant I am. We all are. Nature as my church..the place I go to worship Life. This brings me into such presence and deep inner peace. I fall deeper in Love with Life every day.

Singing & dancing - anyone who knows me knows I am the Karaoke Queen. Movement, music, giggles and fun. The winning combo.

Trees - what can I say? They are the Elders I choose. I pray with them and am guided by them every single day.

Ancestors ritual - a daily bow of gratitude and commitment to living my life in a way that honours all those that came before me. Gamechanger.

Other small changes that have transformed my life

• Practicing gratitude

• Chanting meditation

• Ho’oponopono prayer (for whenever I am struggling to forgive someone, including myself)

• Saying Grace to give thanks for my food

• Invisible service and random acts of kindess

• Wearing big knickers and going bra-less as much as possible

• Becoming the observer of my thoughts (Life changing!)

• Not taking myself too seriously (same)

• Regular wanking (true)

Some Elders I have been guided by

Quanita Roberson, Bell Hooks, Maya Angelou. Alice Walker, Anne Lamott, Caroline Myss, Mirabai Starr, Andrew Harvey, Nelson Mandela, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Father Gregory Boyle, David Richo, Father Richard Rohr, the man who cuts our grass, Mother moon and Father sun.

Thank You Thank You Thank You. 🙏🏽🌻❤️

I would love to know what your practices, books and who your special people are? Please share in the comments.

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This is a free publication so feel free to share it far and wide. Also, if you want to restack. Sharing is caring as they say xx

Archetypes

I have wanted to write about archetypes for a while now and although I’m no expert, I do believe they offer us a fascinating glimpse into what it means to be fully human. An archetype is a term that was originally popularised by the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, who defined archetypes as ‘…inherited patterns of thought, behaviours, and instincts that reside in the "collective unconscious" of all human beings.’ These themes then go on to shape how we perceive the world and our place within it.

I was drawn to exploring archetypes in more depth through the work and teachings of Caroline Myss. She describes archetypes as ‘Universal energy patterns that can become personalised within each individual’.

Caroline identifies two levels of archetypes:

1. Universal - according to Myss, these represent the four shared survival archetypes that we all carry within us. They are known as ‘Child, Victim, Prostitute, and Saboteur’.

2. Individual - In addition, Myss believes that each of us carries eight unique archetypes (from an extensive list), that represent our specific talents, challenges, and life themes.

As mentioned, I’m no expert but I thought exploring the four Universal archetypes and observing how they manifest in our lives along the awakening path, might be both helpful and enjoyable, (but then I don’t get out much). If you’d prefer to delve deeper into this wisdom beyond my own offerings, there’s a link attached below for further exploration.

The Four Survival Archetypes - Caroline Myss

According to Myss, these archetypes are innate to everyone (Universal), and are crucial for personal growth and functioning (survival), as an adult.

• The Child - this archetype represents the core of innocence and vulnerability, appearing in various forms like the wounded, innocent or eternal child, and serves as a starting point for personal growth.

• The Victim - this archetype embodies the impulse to be rescued, seeking attention and avoiding responsibility, manifesting as patterns like being the ‘patient one, doormat or the martyr’.

• The Prostitute - representing the act of bargaining away one’s power for survival, this archetype appears in a person’s willingness to compromise their values and spirit for material gain or safety.

• The Saboteur - this archetype embodies a self-destructive impulse, acting as a force that undermines efforts toward wholeness and can lead to negative behaviours such as perfectionism or addiction.

Their role and integration according to Myss are:

• Universal but Personal -while these archetypes are universal, their specific manifestation in an individual’s life is shaped by their unique personal experiences and social conditioning.

• Challenges and Growth - each archetype presents a significant life challenge that must be confronted and understood.

• Transformation by acknowledging and integrating the light and shadow aspects of these archetypes, individuals can transform them from hindering forces into powerful allies that support their integrity and life mission.

The Universal archetypes represent our fundamental fears, vulnerabilities, and life challenges that we must confront and integrate to achieve wholeness and preserve our integrity, rather than bargain it away for mere survival.

In this newsletter I’m going to focus on the universal archetype of ‘The Prostitute’, and if this proves popular with you my lovely readers, then I will write more on the other three survival types in future newsletters, so do let me know in the comments?

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The Prostitute Archetype

In psychology and mythology, the prostitute archetype represents the negotiation of value, personal integrity, and power, rather than just physical sex. It highlights situations where you might compromise your body, mind, or values in exchange for physical survival, financial security, or approval/belonging.

Each archetype generally operates on two sides:

• The Shadow Aspect: Represents selling out your morals or self-worth to maintain a comfortable financial situation. Examples might include staying in a loveless marriage strictly for money, or compromising your creative talents to keep others happy.

• The Positive/Sacred Aspect: Represents an awareness of boundaries and personal agency. It teaches you to evaluate what you are worth and to recognise when you are trading your soul, dignity, or time for a price.

The Prostitute Archetype and You (me)

Now that you (hopefully) understand this is not a literal definition, let’s explore together the more figurative meaning of this archetype.

If it is true that we all carry a prostitute within us, how might this be showing up in our lives? Questions to consider might include - how do I sell myself short in life? How I do betray my own values and integrity to ensure my own safety or validation? In what ways do I choose to sell my own power and authority, in order to keep the peace, make money or simply to belong?

For many of us, this part requires deep and honest enquiry to uncover because it often resides in our shadow. It lurks in our blind spot as we desperately deny the rather unpleasant reality that we can be bought, or are willing to betray our values and ourselves for financial security or belonging.

To perhaps make this a little less painful for you to seek out and acknowledge your own inner prostitute, let me share with you below a less than savoury example of how I prostituted myself for money…and did so knowingly too. (EEK.)

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I recently had the pleasure of speaking with the wonderful for her podcast Death on the Daily It was a profound conversation and meeting of hearts for us both. Here’s some of what we discussed:

• The role of an Elder and what it takes to become one.

• The grieving process that we need to go through to transition into Elderhood. Letting go of our old identity of being ‘young’ and all this means.

• The difference between becoming an Elder or elderly.

• The obsession with ‘anti-aging’ and how this distracts us from our deeper journey within.

• Peter Pans and Disney Diva’s - the eternal child syndrome

• The visibility of aging and the freedom it offers, once we lose the ‘need’ for the male gaze or external validation and need to be seen.

• The brand new (not old) face that arrives with ageing, along with the new identity. ‘Who am I in this chapter?’

• How the body prepares to return to the land (tits heading south).

• Tanya’s tender story of losing her daughter and the painful gifts this experience has gifted her.

• How we die into life many times, if we view grief as the initiation it is.

• The need to prepare for our own death, practically, emotionally and spiritually.

• How we often die as we have lived….in surrender or resistance, suffering or liberation.

• Living in honour of our Ancestors and the sacrifices they made for us to live.

• Perfection as a patriarchal trick. ‘Begin clumsily….just begin.’

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Death on the Daily - If you do watch the video or listen to the podcast, please remember to subscribe and/or leave Tanya a review to support her work. #womensupportingwomen

To find out more about Tanya and her incredible offerings - Tanya Wilkinson

The Grief Space - 7th June

Sarah Barker, who has been training with me for the last two years, is offering her next one-day, in-person workshop The Grief Space on Sunday 7^th June in West Sussex. This is a safe and thoughtfully structured place to begin to process all kinds of hurts and losses, for example loss of self, loss of a relationship or bereavement.

Working in a small group you will explore grief and grieving, work with rituals and somatically as well as having your grief seen, heard and validated. The aim is that you will leave carrying your grief more lightly. Sarah is offering this to my Substack community for £125 inc VAT. Please email hello@sarahbarker.org.uk for more details.

A few events coming up…….

• Lessons from our Mothers - Live event in London this Wednesday May 20th at The Phoenix Arts Club with Isabella and Cressida. Tickets and details: Lessons from our Mothers

• Happy Place Festival - Sunday 12th July, Jordan Stephens and I will be on the Talk stage talking about healing through relationships. Tickets: Happy Place Festival

• Preparing for Death - a 2 day exploration of death and dying through a spiritual lens, 19th & 20th September - Preparing for Death

• Beneath the Elder Tree - a free event in Hove, 23rd September with jasmine Harsono, Beneath the Elder Tree All welcome.

• Soul-Full Sunday - 19th July in the park, West Sussex - free and all welcome. Soul-Full Sunday

For all my offerings, including working with me 1:1 on your Spiritual Awakening-Donna Lancaster

Gratitude

As ever, thank you for being here and for choosing to spend your precious time reading my words. Please do let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment? It really means a lot when you take the time to do this. ❤️🌻🙏🏽

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Like many of you I grew up watching The Wizard of Oz as a firm Christmas favourite, and it seems hard to believe that this classic film with Judy Garland was made in 1939! Every festive season I would look forward to watching Dorothy overcome many challenges along her journey on the yellow brick road. Later, as I watched it with my two young daughters, I believed it told the story of female empowerment and trusting wisdom. Yet, this nearly 90-year-old classic offers much more insight into personal awakening.

Most of you no doubt will have heard of Jospeh Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey , with the archetype of ‘the hero’ used to highlight and explore the human story. Despite much criticism of this model, especially for being ‘too masculine’ in its approach, I do believe it offers a helpful framework to understand the human experience and ultimately how we all must die in order to live.

To give you a sense, here’s my (rudely brief) overview - human lives ‘ordinary’ comfortable life, human is called to adventure and leaves comfy life, human faces many challenges (inside and out), and nearly gives up many times (initiation), human is guided and supported along the way, (Divine intervention), human ‘dies’ and is reborn (transcendence). Human returns to the ‘same’ ordinary life, but they are very different (transformation). They bring with them gifts from the journey that they can share with the world, (service). And they lived happily ever after (that part is a Donna joke). This is of course a very simplified overview (sorry Joseph), but I wanted to give a gist to those of you who might not know the model.

This model of storytelling has been used in every Hollywood film ever, and was famously adapted from Campbell’s work by Christopher Vogler, to create a 12 step narrative for screenwriting and storytelling.

A brief aside, but Maureen Murdock wrote a brilliant book called The Heroine’s Journey - Woman's Quest for Wholeness , adapting the original framework to explore women’s separation from the feminine within a patriarchal world, and the route to heal and integrate both the masculine and feminine archetypes. It’s a fantastic read and I plan to write about this another time.

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As I always say, ‘don’t knock it until you’ve tried it’, which is a great mantra for most of life.

If you do give it a go, (and manage to avoid being arrested), please do let me know how you get on in the comments?

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Here’s a previous piece I wrote about trees, including my experience working with psychedelics and actually becoming a tree! (Yes, you really did read that sentence correctly).

A few events coming up that I will be participating in…….

• Lessons from our Mothers - Live event in London, May 20th at The Phoenix Arts Club with Isabella and Cressida. Tickets and details: Lessons from our Mothers

• Healing Through Relationships - a 1 day workshop in West Sussex, 16th May. Two spaces left. FULLY BOOKED with waiting list.

• Happy Place Festival - Sunday 12th July, Jordan Stephens and I will be on the Talk stage talking about healing through relationships. Tickets: Happy Place Festival

For all my offerings, including working with me 1:1 on your Spiritual Awakening -Donna Lancaster

Incase you missed it…..

I was recently interviewed by Ian Laming for his radio show on Do Radio (part of the Do Lectures). It was a really great conversation, so the link is below if you fancy a listen. Enjoy xx

Do Radio interview with Donna Lancaster

Gratitude

As ever, thank you for being here and for choosing to spend your precious time listening to my words. Please do let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment? It really means a lot when you take the time to do this. ❤️🌻🙏🏽

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The Personal Shadow - a definition: the hidden, unconscious, and often repressed part of the personality, containing traits deemed socially unacceptable, inferior, or immoral. It is the "dark side" of the self—comprising of our repressed desires, needs, rage, and selfishness—but also holds positive potential like suppressed creativity and natural instin…

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Shame - a personal experience

Like many of you my relationship to shame started early, in childhood. As the youngest of 3 kids (4 if you include my dad), there felt like a lot of pressure to grow up….and fast. Vulnerability and innocence were frowned upon in my family and seen as ‘weak’ and ‘babyish’. Tears were laughed at, and any need for comfort or nurture was ridiculed. ‘You big baby!’. Therefore, I learned very quickly about keeping things secret, and where possible, inside.

As a young child I would play in secret, (which breaks my heart even writing those words). I hid my dolls along with my tender heart, underneath my pillow, and asked them both to never tell. When I wet the bed (which was often), I would secretly get up in the middle of the night to try and wash my own bedsheet in the bath. I can remember dragging this soaking wet sheet back from the bathroom, to put on my bed and lying in that cold sopping mess until my mum found out what I’d been up to. Then I got in trouble for ‘being silly,’ and my shame only deepened. But my precious doll friends never said a word. 🤐

Apologies if this all sounds a bit heavy, but trauma and shame tend to be, and we are only interested in truth here. I guess my point is that the younger version of me didn’t really stand a chance. Through so much of my early childhood I was judged as ‘wrong’ by those meant to nurture and protect me, therefore I soon came to believe that I was wrong. Not that I had done something wrong, but that I was fundamentally weak, flawed and unloveable.

Shame - Full

So, where does shame stem from for most of us?

For most of us it begins to take shape inside, from early negative or abusive childhood experiences and trauma. Just like the ones I’ve shared above. I have no doubt that many of you will relate to a similar version of my story. Being consistently teased, ridiculed, humiliated and laughed at by people we trusted and who were meant to keep us safe, like our parents or primary caregivers. Plus other life experiences such as school bullying and toxic relationships will plant more shame seeds of poison inside of us. Of course, if you add in to the pot, race, disability, sexuality etc and any forms of discrimination or cruel judgments about these, then no wonder so many people are literally riddled with toxic shame.

Healthy shame Vs Toxic shame

In his classic book, Healing the shame that binds you, John Bradshaw defines the difference between toxic shame and healthy shame.

Toxic shame = an internalised, pervasive sense of being inherently flawed, defective, and unworthy as a human being. It can become a permanent identity, leading to a “false self”, and acts as the root cause of addiction, codependency, and self-destructive behaviours.

Healthy shame = is a normal, vital emotion that defines human limits, acknowledges mistakes, and fosters humility and spiritual growth. Unlike toxic shame, which destroys self-worth, healthy shame is temporary, adaptive, and helps us recognise when our needs are not met, acting as a moral compass for our lives.

Indicators that someone might be carrying toxic shame:

• Believes they are undeserving of connection, love and belonging

• Strong self-loathing and self-sabotaging behaviours

• Inflated or deflated ego - less than/better than

• Rejects compliments, kindness, new perspectives

• Self-focused “what will I look like?” Super sensitive to criticism

• Dysfunctional relationship with partners and self

• Strong inner-critic (often linked to unprocessed rage)

• Negative vibe on themselves and others

• Addiction issues – that feeds a self-perpetuating shame cycle

• Secretive, withdrawal from connection

Shame and the body - a personal experience continued….

Later on as I began to grow up, additional shame was piled on top of all the others. I had so many secrets hidden under that pillow. My father was extremely vain and obsessed about his looks, and in turn ours. He would regularly comment on mine and my sister’s weight and shape,( not my brothers of course). Cruel comments became the norm. Ridiculing our legs, bums, whole bodies and our eating habits, everything about our physicality was fair game when he was drunk. And all labelled as a joke. ‘I’m only playing, where’s your sense of humour?!’

This inevitably led to me feeling so much shame about my appearance and believing that no matter what I did/ate/wore, my body was an object to be ashamed of. It was something to be hidden and also punished. Looking back I can see that my dad had an eating disorder and was either overweight or extremely underweight throughout my childhood, but of course as a young growing girl, those poisoned words of his cut deep.

A Model for Healing our Shame

• Name it – speaking it into the light, sharing our shame secrets with people who will not shame us, but instead will validate our experience and witness us with kindness and empathy. (Eg. friend, therapist)

• Gentle Challenge of self and old core beliefs– Stopping harsh language to ourselves and overlaying old shame beliefs with new ones. Eg. ‘I used to believe I was unloveable, but I know it’s a lie. Deep in my heart I know it’s not true.’

• Empathy – allowing ourselves to be validated and held in understanding and empathy by those we share our shame with.

• Cultivate Self Compassion –small everyday words and actions of kindness, understanding and tenderness towards ourselves, that teach us how to let the love in.

• Both/And – Practicing integrating the past with the present - ‘I feel shame and I’m learning to love myself’.

• Body Release – shaking, dancing, TRE, massage, safe loving touch exercises for the body, (see my book The Bridge)

• Speaking and living our truth – inner and outer alignment. No more pretence. Authenticity is the highest vibration.

How you attend to your shame now when it arises, is what will allow you to heal from it. We need to learn to behave in ways towards ourselves, whereby we become the benevolent loving parent that we needed way back when. To finally give ourselves the kindness and grace to slowly heal, step by wobbly step, and to move forward in our lives from an old place of Shame-full to a new life of Shame-less.

The (shameless) end of my story….

As for the ending to my sad shame filled past, let me tell you this. I no longer feel that shame. Not at all. Not about my tears, my vulnerability, innocence, nor my body. It really has been healed. Healing really is possible.

The other day I was overheating when out on a walk and without thinking, I simply pulled off my sweatshirt, revealing only a sports vest and bra underneath (brazen), and do you know what? There were no cruel inner voices, no harsh self judgements or concerns about what anyone might think. Nada. I was simply a hot sweaty woman making her way back home.

And ain’t that the truth?

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A few resources on shame and healing….

Listening to Shame - Brene Brown

I thought it was just me - Brené Brown

Healing the shame that binds you John Bradshaw

You are your best thing - Tarana Burke and Brené Brown

The Bridge Book by your favourite Elder

A podcast interview with your favourite Elder….

I was recently interviewed by Ian Laming for his radio show on Do Radio (part of the Do Lectures). It was a really great conversation, so the link is below if you fancy a listen. Enjoy xx

Do Radio interview with Donna Lancaster

Gratitude

As ever, thank you for being here and for choosing to spend your precious time reading my words. Please do let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment? It really means a lot when you take the time to do that. ❤️🌻🙏🏽

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I was recently chatting with a friend about this important question -

Have I healed from my traumatic past, or have I simply created a very safe container for my life in order to avoid being triggered?

Now this is a question I think about A LOT. I love to challenge myself and others with these deeper contemplations. Of course, on a very obvious level, we all know that for most of us healing is an ongoing process and indeed for many, a life times work. I’m not sure that there is ever an end point, where we can sit back and say ‘Ok, I’m completely healed now’. However, I do believe that coming to a place of acceptance about our past, including any poor choices that we made along the way, is a key aspect of the healing journey.

Self compassion and forgiveness.

How much have I really healed….?

I know for certain that I have healed some significant core emotional wounds and survival patterns, relating to my traumatic past.

How do I know this?

By how I choose to live my life, and how I think, speak about and treat myself and others.

For example, when I was in my teens, 20’s and even into my early 30’s, my self loathing and self sabotaging behaviours were off the scale. I hated everything about myself and found my body utterly repulsive, so much so that I could not get completely naked during sex, nor look at my own undressed body in the mirror. I would also regularly indulge in high risk behaviours, like drinking and drugging myself into oblivion.

Looking back it felt like a long slow suicide attempt, by a desperate traumatised and broken hearted little girl. I’m sad to say that during those ‘lost’ years, I frequently felt like I didn’t care whether I lived or died. However, the truth was actually more complicated - I did really want to live, I just didn’t know how to, without everything feeling so unbearably painful.

Fast forward decades of numerous therapies, body work and nervous system healing, and I’m very happy to report that I no longer feel this way, and haven’t done for a very long time. In fact, (and I know it’s a very un-British thing to say), but after all my inner work to heal my wounds, I have arrived into a tender and kind place, of loving myself. Truth is, I now believe I’m pretty great (who knew?!) I can also love and accept my body as the miracle that it truly is, and the riskiest behaviours I indulge in these days, are doubling up on my hay fever meds, when it’s a really high pollen count day.

Wild.

So yes, I fundamentally know that I’ve healed some core trauma wounds and that my nervous system is also much more regulated these days. Part of the evidence for this, is that I can easily sleep at night, (a lot of my trauma is related to night time events as a child), and I don’t jump out of my skin at the slightest sudden movement or noise around me.

Nevertheless, on a deeper level I recognise that I have created a very comfortable life for myself, which also feels very safe. I don’t have a partner to trigger me (!) and I spend a lot of time in nature and solitude, which keeps me grounded and tethered. I have a strong connection to the Divine, and my non-religious Faith sustains me immeasurably.

Which brings me back to my original question - have I healed from my traumatic past, or have I simply created a very safe container for my life in order to avoid being triggered?

Let’s explore some more….

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Here it is, my latest episode of my podcast that isn’t a podcast.

In this video I speak about…..

• How lonely we can feel when we begin to do our healing work and/or when we begin to awaken, and others in our life do not join us.

• The feeling of being ‘othered’ by our families/friendship groups and communities, when we are crossing the threshold from Phase 1 of life into Phase 2.

• A recognition that just because you might be ready to heal and/or awaken, it doesn’t mean that those around you are, or will ever be.

• Why it’s ok to outgrow friendships, and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person to lovingly release people from your past, who no longer ‘fit’ your new life.

• The very human need to find new communities, friendships and ‘our tribe’ so that we can learn and grow together.

“Please know that in your (spiritual) loneliness, you are not alone.”

• When you start to heal and/or awaken, many people from your ‘old’ life might not like it. ‘I preferred you before!’ Our work is to accept this as the ‘price we pay’. It is a painful reality for many of us walking/crawling along the Spiritual path, and this in itself is our Spiritual practice.

• Loneliness is an initiation into connection. How we must find the areas of our life where we feel lonely and disconnected - be that to our body, heart, truth, spirit, ‘others’, nature or the Divine herself. Only through experiencing this deep loneliness can we move towards more meaningful connections, both within and without.

• Loneliness as a form of medicine, and like most medicine it doesn’t always taste nice!

• How loneliness ultimately leads us to aloneness if we allow it, and aloneness leads us into Divine connections. Clear as mud?! 😉

It’s all about flow…..

“When you fall profoundly and deeply (back) in Love with Life, you will feel Love flowing to you and through you….”

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I was barely 18 years old when I gave birth to my first child Gemma, in 1985. A baby having a baby. Truth be told I wasn’t really 18 either, not inside. In terms of my emotional development and life skills, I was more like five, and of course five years olds aren’t equipped to raise children. So, rather inevitably I made A LOT of mistakes, with the early years of my parenting being inadequate at best, traumatising at worst. That’s the sad, messy truth of it.

However, like many difficult beginnings, there was also the opportunity to create a much happier ending, which of course involved the H word.

Healing.

My eldest daughter had a really tough start to her life you see. She was mothered by a wounded child, and with only 18 years between us, in many ways she was the wise one. Gemma saw and heard too much too soon, and experienced the comings and goings of many ‘daddy’s’ in her young life, as I worked my way through my core wound of abandonment by my father.

It took a while.

Unsurprisingly, Gemma would go on to feel abandoned by me….because she was. I repeated the cycle (as we tend to), choosing men just like my father, and then behaving towards Gemma like my mother used to, towards me. Emotionally unavailable. I am a very visual person and so as I type these words, I have an image in my heart of me as that young woman with raised desperate arms, looking only towards the next daddy stand in, (please love me)….whilst behind my back stands a desperate young child with her own little arms raised, as she begs, (please mummy, see me, love me, hold me!) Ouch. But of course I couldn’t see little Gemma, because I was always looking in the wrong direction.

As you can imagine (or perhaps have lived yourself), this is a painful and sad part of my past, and yet despite the natural grief I carry about this period of my life and hers, I also believe that ultimately our stories unfolded perfectly.

The Trauma Cycle

Gemma’s desperate need to be loved by me and the subsequent heartbreak and betrayal she felt when I could not meet her needs, would eventually fester from deep sadness and despair in her young childhood, into rage and self destruction in her teenage years. Just as my own pain had erupted in similar ways towards my mum and in turn myself, during my adolescence.

For many years Gemma and I could not seem to reach each other as mother and child. There was just too much pain and hurt standing in the way. Every time we would try so hard to love each other, but quickly fall down the same old gaping holes in our broken hearts. There was so much unspoken pain (truth) that we needed to say, and so many unshed tears of liquid love, that had become lost to us both along the way. Each of us had developed a strong Warrior Woman defence to survive, which meant no-one or thing could get beyond our rock solid defences, protecting our battered broken hearts.

Until…..

A Divine Intervention

One day the Universe kindly staged an intervention and gifted me with a complete breakdown/through, whereby my Warrior Woman persona fell to the floor and never got back up again (Hallelujah). I realise now, how that part of me had to die, in order for me to finally live, not just survive. (I have written about this extensively before, including in my first book, The Bridge ). This intense period of my life went on for some years and is what Francis Weller describes as a ‘rough initiation’, a.k.a. ‘A Dark Night of the Soul’. Regardless of labels, this phase of my life was the start, not only of my own healing, but of finally finding my way back to my precious daughter.

Gemma was on her own journey, but could not fail to notice and feel the difference in me as her mother. Less reactive, softer, more vulnerable and open, quick to apologise and keen to make amends. Slowly but surely Gemma was inspired by the tectonic shifts in me, and in turn between us. A fragile trust began to emerge. So much so, that she began her own healing at the ripe old age of 22. As I said before, she always was wiser than me.

Many years have passed, with Gemma now 40 years old (!) and raising her own young son. So much has changed for us since those early days. Somehow along the wobbly path of healing, we have not only repaired what was ruptured and broken, but have arrived at a place of profound understanding, mutual respect, joyful connection and deep Love. It took a lot of work both separately and together, to allow us to reach this precious point, and it was all worth it. SHE is worth it. I know that her son, my grandson, will carry a lighter spiritual load in his lifetime, due to the family healing work we have undertaken, and quite frankly, I believe he deserves nothing less.

“The greatest gift you can give your children is to heal yourself.” Dr. Gabor Maté

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Proud Mum Alert

With the depth and breadth of life experience and healing Gemma has under her belt, it seemed inevitable that she would go on to train and qualify as a Counsellor. I am so proud of her and of course am extremely biased, but I do encourage you to check out her work and spread the word, because she’s a very good counsellor. #proudmum

Gemmamariecounselling

An Alternative Mothers Day Message

For all the struggling mothers, shouty mothers, sick ones, exhausted mothers, the depressed ones, abandoned or abandoning mothers and the addicted ones too.

This one is for you.

For all the so called ‘perfect’ mothers, imperfect mothers, deceased mothers, the working mothers, single mothers, pregnant ones, the childless and child-loss mothers too.

This one is for you.

For all the mothers who read to their children and all those who don’t. For all the mothers who drink too much to cope, and the desperate ones who feel they can’t go on another day....and yet they do. For the afraid, lonely and guilty mothers too.

This one is for you.

Mothers do one of the hardest and most important jobs in the world, often losing parts of themselves along the way. This mother’s day is in honour of each and every one of you without exception, as you do the very best you can with whatever you have to give.

You are amazing. You are enough. You are worthy.

Thank you. 🙏🏽❤🙏🏽

Options for working with me in 2026:

1:1 intensives – These offerings can be booked from between 1-5 days, and are aimed at individuals, couples and families. During the intensives, I work with rituals, family constellations, movement and healing practices to support people with their life challenges, including grief and loss, childhood wounding, relationship issues, intergenerational trauma and so much more. I am joined by my colleague, the incredible bodyworker Gillian Steer, who supports the body to open, release and heal.

These sessions are usually held in Sussex, but we can also travel to you. (Additional charge for accommodation and travel). To secure a session a £750 deposit would be required and dates agreed, followed by a call with me to ensure it is a good fit for us both.

Staying Awake – This is a 6-month offering of online 1:1s with me, alongside regular What’s app voice note support and guidance. (aka Elder stalking). These sessions are aimed at people who have already done some healing work and are keen to view their life through a more Soulful lens.

The Path of the Soul – Our annual forest-based retreat will return 26-29th June 2026. This experience is hard to describe…it’s pure magic…. almost beyond words.

Worthy Facilitator Training - for any coaches/circle holders or therapists who wish to learn how to deliver this important workshop for women. 27/28/29th March.

Healing Through Relationships - a 1 day workshop open to all who wish to learn how to heal and grow within all of their relationships. Saturday 16th may.

Preparing for Death - a 2 day exploration of death and dying through a Spiritual lens. 19/20th September.

Donation/Free offerings - as part of my role as an Elder, I also offer various free/pay what you can events throughout the year. Both in person and online. These include Silent Sisterhood (next walk is 18th April), Soul-Full Sunday (12th April) and Beneath the Elder Tree (17th March).

All details for the above offerings can be found on my website: Donna Lancaster

Below are additional ways you might wish to stay connected:

• subscribe to this newsletter called A Pilgrimage for the Soul, where there is both a free or paying option, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

• follow me on Instagram @donnalancs

• Join the Soul-Full Sisters WhatsApp group, which provides details of all my upcoming events. We will need your mobile number if you wish to be added to the group.

Email: hello@donnalancaster.com

Gratitude

As ever, thank you for being here and choosing to spend your precious time reading my words. Please do let me know if you appreciate them by pressing the little heart, and/or leaving a comment? It really means a lot when you take the time to do this. ❤️🌻🙏🏽

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This is Part 2 of my latest offering about relationships. To read Part 1 first here’s the link - The Energetic Divorce

Most of us face relationship struggles at some point and often feel confused as to how best to deal with them. Maybe it’s through falling out with a friend or family member, arguing yet again with your partner or struggling to get on well with a new boss or work colleague.

Whichever relationship we might struggle with, we can often find ourselves caught up repeating the same old negative cycles over and again. So, the big question is how do we break the negative cycle and free ourselves from it, learning to relate differently, so that we can build the kind of relationships we really want? How do we come to view our challenges within relationships as an opportunity for healing and growth?

This 1-day workshop is designed to support you to understand why you might struggle with certain relationships and offer resources as to how to heal and connect in new healthier ways. It views all our relationships as healing and spiritual growth opportunities, moving us beyond old ego stories into new conscious ways of relating.

“Within twenty minutes of Donna’s Relationship workshop I was spun into awareness seemingly without a choice. I left with a sense of understanding and promise. I would recommend it to literally everyone.” Jordan Stephens - Musician, Writer & Actor

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Healing Through Relationships will include:

• The Story of Relationships – exploring the different stages and how to navigate each phase.

• Core wounds and unmet needs - understanding how our unmet needs from childhood lead to core wounds and beliefs that can sabotage our adult relationships.

• Communication skills - learning how to healthily express your needs and to listen and be heard.

• Integration of the wounded child and wise adult aspects of self– supporting each other to heal.

• Triggers and transference – moving from reactivity to response with your loved ones.

• Boundaries – learning how to set and hold healthy boundaries.

• Key ingredients for happier and healthier relationships in all areas of your life.

Saturday 16th May 2026, 9.30am - 4.30pm in West Sussex

There is an Early Bird fee of £175pp if payment in full is made before 1st April 2026. Thereafter it reverts to the standard fee of £195.

Healing Through Relationships

Facilitator Training to Deliver this Relationship Workshop

For those who are working 1:1 or in groups and would like to expand their skills to include working on relationships and healing through them, I am offering an additional two days training on June 13/14th in West Sussex.

For further details or to be considered for this training opportunity, please email hello@donnalancaster.com to be considered for a place.

Prices start from £1950 and payment in instalments will be considered. Please ask.

A few things I’ve learned along the way about relationships which may or may not be true for you…..

Read more

PART 1 - this piece started to get so long that I decided to divide it into two parts. Part 2 coming soon…..

During my twenty plus years of working with couples, I am always curious about the decisions people make (often without reflection), within a long term relationship/marriage. Here’s some examples of questions I might ask couples when they come to work with me -

• Why did you/do you want to get married?

• What does marriage mean to you and how will you honour the vows you take?

• Will you live together/share a bed and why?

• Will you take your partners surname/wear a ring, and if so, why?

• How will you divide up the day to day chores fairly? Who will do what?

• How will you address, process and resolve conflict when it arises?

• If you want to have a child together, why? Who will be the primary carer and why?

• What are your views and beliefs about parenting/raising a child, and what will be your respective roles as co-parents?

• How will you ensure you both have space to breathe within the relationship and how will you champion and support each other’s interests and passions?

• How will you commit to healing your past wounds, both individually and together? How will you ensure you live a different life and marriage, than that of your (grand)parents?

As you can see there are a whole lot of questions I ask (nosey)! I am often shocked to discover that many couples have never really considered most of these questions. ‘…errr, just because….’

Lots of couples will spend many months, even years focusing on the preparation for their wedding day, and yet give very little consideration to their actual marriage. The Elder, Stephen Jenkinson, talks about how most weddings spend just half an hour on the actual vows and ceremony of marriage, with numerous more hours spent on celebrating it. When you think about that, it’s quite revealing about our priorities. Pleasure over commitment? Shallows over depth perhaps?

Now, let me be clear, I’m no killjoy. I love a bit of romance and a good old knees up (!), but I do believe that if people are committing to each other (in theory) for life (..until death do us part…), that they might want to invest a bit more time and energy in exploring what it actually means to be and stay married, and how to truly commit to another person…’for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer…’.

So many couples seem to blindly follow tradition, not realising that marriage, like all institutions, needs to adapt, grow and evolve, as society and culture changes. Most of our (grand)parents for example, would stick at (endure) their marriage, even if it was an absolute nightmare. “We made our vows….OR..we’re staying together for the sake of the kids…”. (Don’t even get me started on that last one!) Many women had limited options too in those days, partly due to their financial status and capacity to earn their own money. Nowadays, I believe it’s about 42% of first marriages that end in divorce, with most divorces being initiated by women.

So, perhaps it really is worth considering the question of why this might be?

Go Deeper….

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Now more than ever, people are feeling a strong desire to return to the natural world for the answers they seek.

Many sense a need within themselves to reconnect with the land to which they belong. A deep knowing that there is more to life than what is currently being offered. Most of us long to press pause on the external noise, excess, exhaustion and busyness of modern day living, to return to a much simpler way of life. One that allows us to live more in alignment with the seasons, cycles and teachings of the natural world. One that helps us to slow down, recharge and eventually get still enough to hear the whispers of our own Soul.

The Path of the Soul Retreat offers the opportunity for up to 8 soul-seekers to gather in community in Gloucestershire, UK.

Spending 4 days and 3 nights completely outside and immersed in nature. Both in solitude and in community. Leaving behind all gadgets and time keeping, surrendering to the medicine of the natural world. During the retreat you will walk barefoot, participating in daily personal rituals, whilst communing with the trees. A 36 hour fast will be an optional part of the awakening process, with your evenings spent sharing by the fire with others, and then nights of sleeping under the stars.

This retreat offers a deep and mystical journey of peeling back the layers and blocks to Love that still hold us back from accessing and living our Soul’s true purpose

For it is only within this profound stillness, that nature’s intelligence emerges as a mirror, and reawakens our inner truth. From this grounded place of knowing, we feel equipped to redirect our lives with more clarity and vision, trusting the path that is unfolding ahead of us. This journey of inner and outer alignment is indeed an initiation for the Soul.

Before….

Your retreat experience will begin long before you arrive onsite as we will gather online1 month before, to connect and prepare for our time together.

You will be asked to complete a ‘Soul’s questionnaire’ to allow you to contemplate and reflect upon what it is that your heart and Soul truly longs for, and what remains in the way of you living from this true place. You will be asked to prepare for the retreat experience in the weeks prior, by reducing time spent on gadgets, limiting and then cutting out sugar, alcohol, red meat and caffeine. Plus, spending extended periods fasting once a week so your body is ready for the 36 hour fasting detox and awakening experience on the retreat.

During….

During our time together in the forest, you will experience…

• Morning group sessions of chanting and visualisations by the fire.

• Daily solo walking rituals in nature to continue to clear any remaining blocks to Love that are still holding you back.

• Breath work and movement, dancing and communing with the trees, tapping into their elder wisdom and connecting you deeply to your heart energy.

• Fasting to allow your body to detoxify, repair and heal, your heart to open, and your intuitive mind to gain clarity, stillness and vision.

• Evening sessions around the fire to connect, share, sing, chant, laugh and be guided by your hosts.

• Star gazing, meditations and hammock time doing absolutely nothing. Simply being.

• Daily spiritual practices that allow you to hear and be guided by the voice of your own Soul.

• Connection to your Ancestors and to the ‘otherness’ of life, in whichever way this is meaningful and true for you.

After…

Approximately 2 weeks after the retreat there will be an online gathering for integration, plus a ‘Soul resources pack’ of the rituals and practices that can be simply incorporated into your everyday life to sustain you, as you step forward into living and loving along the path of the Soul.

What will you gain from this experience?

• An initiation of awakening to your Soul’s purpose

• A reclaiming of the truth of who you are at this stage in your human journey

• A releasing of all that remains in your life that no longer serves you or is holding you back

• Profound reconnection to the natural world and your faith in its deep wisdom

• Heart opening, expansion and healing

• Learning how to live with Love as a way of being

• Activation and trusting of your own intuitive wisdom

• How to live more in alignment with the seasons and the natural world

• Guidance from the ‘otherness’ of Life

• The capacity to be guided by, and to trust in the voice of your own Soul

• Resources that will sustain and support you in continuing to walk the path of your Soul’s awakening.

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“Go out in the woods, go out. If you don’t go out in the woods, nothing will ever happen, and your life will never begin.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Your Guides - Donna Lancaster and Frederique Bicker

Frederique Bicker and Donna Lancaster are widely recognised for their authentic, joyful style and fresh impactful approach, within the fields of psychology, healing and awakening. With over 50 years of extensive training and experience between them, including 5 years working together on the highly respected The Bridge Retreat, they have now developed a profound and magical forest-based retreat, offering a unique and transformational spiritual awakening.

Dates, Location and Cost

Friday 26th June - Monday 29th June

Private and ancient woodland in Gloucestershire, UK

£2,950

To secure your place, we will require you to read and agree to our terms and conditions document, plus provide a non-refundable deposit of £950

To enquire about joining us, email hello@donnalancaster.com

Donnalancaster.com

Here it is, my latest episode of my podcast that isn’t a podcast (and the first of 2026).

In this video I speak about…..

• The stories we make up about all manner of life events, people and everyday situations, based on our wounding, trauma, thinking, core beliefs, socialisation and indoctrination.

• How the stories we tell ourselves can keep us trapped in the past and in some cases, victimhood. (I forgot to mention this in the video but it’s important. You tell a story enough times and it becomes your lived reality.)

• When we are reacting to life and others as part of it, (rather than responding), it shows us our wounds and in turn our inner work.

• The importance of questioning our thoughts, core beliefs and the stories we make up. How lazy (aka sleepy), we can become when believing in every thought we have without question. Zzzz.

• How unhealed people often speak in absolute truths. Black or white/good or bad/right or wrong. Awakening people recognise the both/and-ness of life, and that it is possible to hold multiple truths at the same time. What might be true for you, isn’t necessarily true for me.

• How often when we make up stories about others, we look for evidence to ‘build our case’ against them. When looking through our wound lenses’ we do not see or hear what actually happened, but rather what we needed to be ‘true’ in order to reinforce our belief about the person. “I knew I was right about them…”

• A simple resource to separate fact from fiction in the stories we make up (see video for details).

• The 3 thieves of joy - comparisons, expectations and judgements, and how these feature heavily in our stories.

• Writing a new story for your life based on the present moment, rather than history on a loop.

“If you’re going to have a story, have a big story, or none at all.”

Joseph Campbell, mythologist, writer and lecturer

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Phase 1 & 2 of Life

Phase 1 = Ego/wound led

Phase 2 = Spirit/wisdom led

Some clues when someone is in Phase 1 of life:

• They focus on their past pain and the related stories.

• They’re still blaming their parents for how their life turned out.

• They have a strong need to be right and to win.

• An inability to be with their own, or others emotions.

• They talk over people and don’t know how to listen.

• Their story still defines them and feels like ‘the truth’.

• They take life for granted.

• They are highly reactive and carry a lot of anger that leaks out of them.

• They deny feeling angry.

• They carry a lot of shame and secrets.

• They see nature as boring or something beautiful but separate from them.

• They feel entitled without realising it.

• A strong focus on what they look like and what stuff they own or want.

• A strong desire to be liked and approved of.

• They use substances, gadgets and relationships/sex addictively in order to escape the pain that they deny feeling.

• They find it very hard to be alone and yet feel lonely most of the time.

• They don’t understand those in phase 2 and judge them as odd, boring or ‘woo woo’.

Some clues when you are in/entering Phase 2 of life:

• You realise that not much about life is personal.

• You have a strong need to be alone and in nature regularly.

• You view life as the miracle it is and take nothing for granted.

• Gratitude becomes like breathing to you.

• You allow all of your emotions to be felt.

• You are becoming ‘shame-less’.

• Not interested in competing or winning, not even in the race.

• You talk less and listen more.

• You have and need less stuff.

• Less need to be seen and heard or for people to like and approve of you.

• When you indulge in Life’s party you do it consciously and for pleasure rather than pain avoidance.

• You question your thoughts and can laugh at yourself and your ego stories.

• You recognise others are just as flawed and fabulous as you are.

• You have a strong pull towards exploring Spirituality.

#wordsbydonnalancaster

Wakey Wakey- a 6 month Journey of Awakening

This is my signature programme and the ultimate package for those ready to walk an awakening path. It includes 6 x half day small group in person sessions and 6 x online 1:1 sessions. All led by me and we begin again in Spring - April 2026.

I am inviting you to join me if you have already done some significant inner work on your healing, and are now willing to dive deep and go low, to reach far, high and wide. You must ultimately be prepared to fall deeply and madly in Love with Life, and then perhaps hardest of all, to let Life Love you right back.

For full details, dates & price - Wakey Wakey 2026

“I left the programme more connected to all parts of me, with love overflowing from my heart, and an openness to allow life to simply love me right back. As I stand now with more lightness in my body, brightness in my smile, and love in my heart, I see what Wakey Wakey really did for me, it helped me to set myself free.”

Dr Stacey Mearns, OBE

Soul-Full Sunday - 12th April, West Sussex. 10am-2pm

Soul-Full Sunday returns on Sunday 12th April and is open to all and free to attend. A space for the Spiritually curious to gather and connect. Informal conversations, shared food and giggles in abundance. Come join us, you’d be so welcome. ❤️

For details and to book - Donna's Free offerings

WORTHY - a definition: ‘To believe that you have inherent value. That you are a person who is deemed important, and deserving of respect.’

This is a rare opportunity for facilitators, therapists, coaches and circle/space holders to train with me over three days in how to deliver this 2-day workshop - WORTHY for Women. The training is an offering for all suitably experienced practitioners who wish to, or are already working with women, either 1:1 or in groups.

The workshop for women entitled ‘WORTHY’ was designed & delivered by me and covers the layers of ways that women lose their sense of worthiness, and how to heal and reconnect to it. The workshop itself is aimed at all women who have had enough of playing small, feeling less than, putting themselves down, over apologising, people pleasing, self-sabotaging, attracting destructive relationships and perpetuating their own negative story and beliefs.

This training package will cover:

• A deep exploration of your own relationship with self-worth and healing so far.

• The multiple layers of women and worth, including the history of worthlessness, the crucial role of language, women’s relationship to their bodies, power, misogyny and patriarchy, shame, invisibility and Divinity.

• The various rituals, practices and movement resources to support women to understand how worthiness is personal, collective and political.

• Empowering women to reclaim, not only their own worth, but also that of their ‘spiritual sisters’.

• Providing a framework for women to heal the worthless wound and to give themselves permission to shine.

• Self-Love and what it really means, and how to practice it, including meeting your own needs and establishing personal boundaries.

• Learning ways to deliver the programme that is inclusive and celebratory of women and their needs.

• Linking worth to the Spiritual foundations that will support women to live in their full power and Divine truth.

This training will be an experiential offering, with a blend of individual, paired and small group practices. Participants will be willing to feel vulnerable and open to learning about themselves, as well as how to deliver this important work in the world. In that sense you could say it is both a personal and professional opportunity for growth, healing and education.

The package includes 3 in person days training with me, as well as online group and 1:1 follow up support. On successful completion of the training programme, participants will receive in-house certification from my company, Deepening into Life, as well as an optional opportunity to co-facilitate with a fellow training participant, a practice Worthy workshop, which I will help you organise and promote through my online network.

The price for the training is £3,950 with a £1000 non-refundable deposit required to secure your place. (Instalments will be considered if needed, so please feel free to ask)

❤️ I am offering two discounted places on this training, for anyone already working with women in a supportive/empowering capacity, in the community. 🌻

Email Hello@donnalancaster.com for more details and to be considered for a place.

Worthy Facilitator Training

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Remembering that we are Worthy does not exclude us from feelings of sadness, anger or fear. It doesn’t mean that we are floating through life with a permanent smile on our worthy faces (thank goodness!). Nor that life is experienced like a warm summer breeze.

When we return to our natural state of worthiness, we simply remember that no matter how much we weigh or what we eat (or don’t), or what we look like on or off IG, or the clumsy thing we said to that person at that time (oops), or that HUGE mistake we made (yet again); we still know that none of these things define us or make us deserving of our own cruel words and harsh punishment. None of these things diminish our fundamental goodness and value, nor lessen our belief that we have a right to respect, compassion, kindness and love. Especially our own.

That is being Worthy.

Donna Lancaster

If I had a pound…

I cannot tell you how many times over the years, I have witnessed people come up with a zillion excuses as to why they can’t possibly start their own healing journey.

Here’s a few I’ve heard off the top of my head….

It’s too expensive/I’m not ready/The past is in the past/there’s nothing to forgive/I’m not angry/my childhood doesn’t shape who I am/I’ve forgiven my parents/I don’t think about the past/I had a perfect childhood but I just hate myself/therapy is self indulgent navel gazing/it’s just not for me/I’ll speak to my friends instead and save a fortune/maybe next year…I’m too busy/I’m moving forward and focusing on the future…

I could go on, but you get the gist. Now of course some people genuinely can’t afford therapy and that’s a very different story, (although there are lots of free/discounted resources and support available nowadays). But I’m thinking more about those people who do have the means and awareness, yet refuse point blank to do their inner work.

All those excuses listed above, are often fear based of course. The reasons people will find as to why they can’t possibly begin. And I get it, I really do. Fear is related to survival, and we can become paralysed by it. So many people would rather choose to exist than to live, if to live means you have to firstly turn towards the places inside that ache, hurt and feel broken, in order to heal them. ‘No thanks, I’m FINE!’

But here’s the rub….

Healing isn’t just about you. You could even say, it’s not really about you at all, but I’m aware this depth of understanding takes a certain level of Soul growth to comprehend. It’s a Phase 2 piece.

The reality is though that personal growth and healing (a.k.a doing the work), impacts numerous lives way beyond our own little one.

Past, present and future.

Walk with me if you will, to explore some more about this…….

Our Children and Loved Ones -

When we refuse to do our inner work, we will often struggle with intimate relationships, (including the one with ourself). The heartbreaks we carry do not go away just because we turn away. Instead they tend to leak out towards those closest to us and beyond. Especially to our partner and children, if we have them.

Over my 38 years of working with people I have witnessed the unprocessed grief of hundreds of parents, inevitably ripple down onto and into their children. One powerful example is when the (wounded) father of the family refuses to do therapy despite his partner begging for change. His inability to regulate his nervous system (from his own trauma/wounded background) leads to regular explosions of rage within the family home, frightening his kids and causing his partner to walk on eggshells. I’m sure you know the story (I’ve lived it), and let me tell you this - it never ends well.

“If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it.” Richard Rohr

Those same terrified children will either go on to internalise their father’s rage and use it as a stick to beat themselves with, through extreme self loathing, hyper-self criticism, depression and/or anxiety. Or alternatively they will mimic him, becoming a replica of ‘daddy’, one huge ball of rage rampaging around in the world, and of course passing it down to the next generation.

And so it goes on…

“You say you’d die for your kids…but would you heal for them?”

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To read my previous piece on what it means to become an Elder - A Becoming

What is an Elder?

An Elder is someone who grows both older and wiser, having learned the lessons from their many struggles. She knows it is her responsibility and duty to share her hard-won wisdom with all those ready to listen and learn.

A true Elder embodies the qualities of the innocent child through curiosity, tenderness, vulnerability, playfulness and joy. As well as the depth of a rich soul through wisdom, humility, resilience, and compassionate detachment, which allows them to be fully present in the world.

An Elder will Love you completely with their whole heart. Sometimes tenderly and sometimes with a splash of ice cold water thrown into your sleepy face. Needs must. They act like a guiding light. Telling those who follow in their footsteps where to avoid unnecessary suffering. They basically show them where the dog shit lies on the path of life.

An Elder brings with them Hope, Beauty and Possibility that there is another way. It is not an overnight transformation but a slow unfolding.

It is a Becoming.

This year-long programme will be facilitated by us two Elders, Donna Lancaster and Gabi Krueger, and will take the form of 10 X 2.5-hour online sessions, 9.30am-12pm (UK times) each month, with focused personal exploration work to be undertaken in between each session. There will be an optional in person completion weekend held in March 2027, to allow the participants to cross the threshold into full Elderhood and to celebrate together (additional cost).

The intention is to provide those ready for this next step, with a robust initiation of their inner process, allowing them to fully embody their innate Elder upon completion. Regardless of your chronological age, this in depth initiation will prepare you to become a much-needed gift for the world.

The Becoming an Elder sessions will include:

Elders in Training - Sunday 8th March 2026

An initial introduction session hosted by both Gabi and Donna to meet your fellow Elders in training. This session will include understanding what it means to become an Elder, and the essential role that Elders play in our society. Also, a Q & A session to allow for any questions to be explored and answered.

Wounds to Wisdom - Saturday 11th April 2026

Transforming your past challenges and struggles into your gifts. Moving beyond the wound lens and victim identity into discovering your true nature.

Life Review & Finishing our Business - Sunday 10th May 2026

A timeline reflection of your life so far. Spending time to complete with significant people and events in your life that are still holding you back.

Letting go & Shedding - Saturday 06th June 2026

A natural continuation of your timeline works through body, mind and spirit exploration. Allowing for transformation through a deep process of letting go and trusting in the seasons and cycles of life.

Inner Ageism - Sunday 05th July 2026

Understanding the impact of ageist beliefs and stories on us personally and within our culture and society. Working with our shadow and projections related to ageism.

Archetypes - Saturday 05th September 2026

Understanding our true nature through a transpersonal lens. Using the Jungian archetypal model to understand the qualities and roles of true Elderhood. Eg. Crone, Hag, Mentor, Witch.

Ancestors - Sunday 11th October 2026

A deep exploration of our positive and negative family themes. Honouring and embracing the gifts of your lineage to allow a profound integration of self.

Death & Dying - Saturday 14th November 2026

Exploring the many ways we must die in a lifetime. For example- our numerous Spiritual deaths and our own and others physical death. Moving from fear to curiosity about death and dying, whilst learning how to befriend death

Roots and Wings - Sunday 13th December 2026

Learning how to remain grounded within an ever-changing world, whilst reaching upwards to connect with Spirit. Learning how to live and integrate a transpersonal experience of life beyond ego.

Service & Soul’s calling - Saturday 9th January 2027

Discovering your Soul’s true calling and tuning in for guidance on ways to Love and serve as an Elder within your community and beyond.

“As you get older, there is no more time to be careful, and no more REASON to be careful... If you're not dead yet, you're not done yet". Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Cost for the year long Initiation into Elderhood

This initiation into Elderhood is suitable for anyone who is walking a Spiritual path, moving from ego led to Soul guided living.

Phase 2.

You might be peri-menopausal or in full or post menopause….or not.

It is for anyone ready to honour their Soul’s calling, and to live life with Love and Truth as their guiding light.

Standard rate - £2,000 for the year long programme

Discounted rate - £1,250 for the year long programme

A £500 non refundable deposit is required on booking to secure your place and we trust that you will pay the rate that is in integrity with what you can afford. Payment in instalments is also an option for those that need it. Please feel free to ask.

We begin together in March as a small collective of people ready to join the Elder Revolution. Come join us!

Email - Hello@donnalancaster.com to book your place.

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Hello everyone 👋🏾

I do hope you are all well and having a gentle(ish) entry into 2026. Most of us are still in the ‘wintering’ phase, and as awakening people we must learn how to live more in alignment with the seasons. So I do hope you are all still wintering, with lots of the 4 x R’s - rest, reflection, renewal and regeneration.

On this note, by the time this lands in your inbox I will have begun my own wintering retreat. Heading offline for a couple of weeks, which I love to do this time of year as part of my own dance with the season of winter. I will be spending an extended period of time offline, resting, meditating, praying, sleeping, reading and in nature.

I view this time as a form of inner pilgrimage - a sacred space where I get to let go of any external focus on family, friends, work, gadgets etc, and instead head inside. And as ever the direction I will be walking in, is back towards my own heart. I’ll be taking a gentle ramble inside my heart in order to clear out the inevitable blocks to Love that have re-emerged there, and allowing myself the grace to grieve. And let’s face it, there is so much happening in the world to grieve about.

“Let your heart break so your Spirit doesn’t.” Andrea Gibson

As part of my inner pilgrimage I will also be spending a week without food, which not only provides me with a full health reset, but also allows my prayers and meditation to go much deeper (and higher). Without food filling my belly, I find there is more space inside for the Divine and I to get closer than ever and I become ‘full up’ in a very different kind of way. 💖 I guess you could say I am taking a holiday with the true Love of my life.

If you would like to read about my previous 10 day fasting experience, I’ve included the link below, plus a couple of other previous newsletters that you might have missed.

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I was recently invited to join my dear friend Johnny Lawrence on his podcast. Johnny and I have been friends for some years now, and originally connected over our shared history, which includes our mixed race heritage, family addiction, childhood poverty, trauma and so much more. Johnny is an example of a true gentle-man and someone who has worked hard to ensure his children do not inherit the negative legacy from his own lineage.

I will share the links to his work below and meanwhile here’s our podcast conversation. I do hope you listen and enjoy it. If you do, please remember to like/review and subscribe. All of us walking an awakening path must ensure we not only feel grateful, but that we take the time to express it. #spreadthelove

This is a free offering so please spread far and wide.

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The Johnny Lawrence Podcast - in this episode we discuss the following….

• The unlearning of survival responses - moving from existing to living. What it takes to unlearn our defences and the reflexive closing of our heart, when we have been hurt and deeply wounded in the past.

• Relearning how to live in the heart and not just the head, and the grieving process required to make this transition.

• Grief as a portal to living a more truthful, authentic and joyful life.

• How de-armouring takes ‘Bambi-legged’ courage, to allow us to ‘cross the bridge’ into a new way of being in the world.

• How death of the Warrior gave birth to a more vulnerable, open hearted and wise version of myself.

• Truthtellers trained to become liars - how we are conditioned to swallow our truth from the very beginning and how these lies and masks make us sick.

“Where in your life are you still lying? What aspects of your life are you neglecting?

• How disembodied living is perpetuated by technology. How all the noise and over stimulation keeps us stuck in our heads.

• The humility and resilience that can come from not achieving our goals. Ego shrinkage and learning to laugh at ourselves.

• Shadow - the importance of safely expressing and integrating our shadow and the freedom that this brings.

• Embracing complex grief and the importance of being able to ‘say the unsayable’

• The capacity to hold multiple truths about people that have hurt us once we begin the healing process.

• The possibility of forgiveness that grieving creates.

• The importance of simply beginning your healing journey, however imperfectly.

“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” Goethe

Johnny can be found on Instagram @theselfdevelopmentcoach and his podcast is called The Johnny Lawrence Podcast and is available on all the usual platforms. He also courageously made a documentary about his own relationship with trauma and addiction and his recovery from it. The Slavery of Addiction

Wakey Wakey- a 6 month Journey of Awakening

This is my signature programme and the ultimate package for those ready to walk an awakening path. It includes 6 x half day small group in person sessions and 6 x online 1:1 sessions. All led by me and we begin again in Spring - April 2026.

I am inviting you to join me if you have already done some significant inner work on your healing, and are now willing to dive deep and go low, to reach far, high and wide. You must ultimately be prepared to fall deeply and madly in Love with Life, and then perhaps hardest of all, to let Life Love you right back.

For full details, dates & price - Wakey Wakey 2026

“I left the programme more connected to all parts of me, with love overflowing from my heart, and an openness to allow life to simply love me right back. As I stand now with more lightness in my body, brightness in my smile, and love in my heart, I see what Wakey Wakey really did for me, it helped me to set myself free.”

Dr Stacey Mearns, OBE

In Part 1 of this piece I shared about my own intense dark night that I experienced during a therapeutic psychedelic journey. If you haven’t read this piece yet, it might be a good place to start and the link is here -

The Dark Night of the Soul - Part 1

“The Dark Night of the Soul - another definition: a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.” Eckhart Tolle

Divine Intervention

Pretty much every single one of us has experienced a dark night of the Soul, even if we wouldn’t call it that. These extended periods of our lives when everything we believed about ourselves and life itself seems to fall away. We are stripped bare, layer upon layer, leaving only our fragile, weary ‘broken’ heart and bones behind, to drag us around.

These dark nights are often triggered by a significant life event, such as divorce or separation, a serious illness diagnosis, mental health issues, a death of a loved one, addiction and recovery, as well as major life transitions such as peri/menopause and empty nest syndrome. Some people might even find that several of these life challenges arrive all at once. For example, you lose your job, your relationship ends and a parent dies, all within close proximity. In my experience these major losses often come in 3’s. Perhaps it’s because one significant life event alone, is not enough to bring us to our knees….especially for the Warriors amongst us.

Not only have I come to understand how essential the dark night of the Soul is for our Spiritual Awakening, I have also come to view it as a kind of ‘Divine Intervention’, whereby the Universe removes certain ‘pillars’ from us that relate to our sense of identity, worth and meaning. You might call it a kind of ‘tough Love’ intervention, like a wise Elder splashing some icy cold water in your face to wake you up. Except when offered (gifted?) by this ultimate Elder (The Divine), it feels more like a tsunami! And yet Loving it most definitely is, with the intention being to ensure that you are left with no choice, but to fall to your knees…which is almost always the starting point for a true Awakening.

Humility Street

‘Get down on your knees’ instructed the Universe.

‘I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD!’ shouted back ego.

‘I wasn’t talking to you’ replied the Universe....’Get down on your knees...’

‘But I have forgotten....’ whispered Wisdom...’please will you help me?’

‘Start there, on your knees...and take a good long look amongst the rubble of your life. Not at the actual broken pieces, but at what lies in between them, holding them all together....’

‘WHAT NONSENSE!!’ bellowed ego.

‘Ssshhh!’ replied Wisdom on her knees....’I don’t see anything exactly but I can feel something....’

What is it that you feel? asked the Universe.

‘The most immense deep unconditional Love....almost beyond words’ replied Wisdom

‘Aaah, so you’ve found her then…’ Said the Universe.

‘Who?!’ asked Wisdom

‘God....’

Words by Donna Lancaster

Clues….

If you’re still not sure if you are going, or have been through a dark night of the Soul, here are some clues to guide you…..

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